Trying for a song a month. I shouldn't say that out loud. This song is late. Shut up. It's fine. I'm only a disappointment to myself. Enjoy. Hopefully. https://fastachee.bandcamp.com/track/cautionary-tales

I'd like to "mute this video" now

I just had to explain to my daughter that browsers once didn't have tabs as a built-in feature. Felt like I was describing cassette tapes.

Any moment now, Donald Trump will peel back his mask to reveal that he has been Sacha Baron Cohen the whole time. Best Ali G prank ever.

1st deadly sin. 4 rooms. 5th element. 6th sense. 9 yards. 12 monkeys. 16 blocks. WTF is the deal with Bruce Willis.

The worst/best items to fill a pinata with: 1) mayonnaise 2) bees

In 100 years, everyone will prefer emoji to words, and future generations will believe our hieroglyphics were based on eggplants.

Urinals are less inviting when you're wearing flip flops.

"It just seems so overcomplexified." "Overcomplicated?" "Shut up".

"Let our proprietary snacking algorithm select your next snack!" oh god oh god the bubble is going to pop again

Cranked up a 1964 Silvertone after a 20 year hiatus tonight. The tubes. THE TUBES. So good. http://bit.ly/1EuzfLz

Areas labeled "no cellphones" ABSOLUTELY extend to Skype calls. It's not the device, it's your conversation no one wants to be part of.

Correction: "Ass satchels"

From this point forward, all "Fanny Packs" shall hereby be referred to as "Heinie Bags".

The Oregonian seems to be littering on my lawn again each morning

beef jerky breakfast

It's a shame that cars in Portland don't seem to have any way to indicate your turning intentions to other drivers.

boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants

My children are reading stinkymeat to each other tonight. Not sure how to feel about this.

Declaring bankruptcy on catching up with yesterday's news, since it's all fake anyway. Hope nothing important happened.